Fmb is …. Just wow.

I hit on everyone. Talk sexual. But I’m a virgin. I just realized I am a tease. Fuck.

I just want someone to sweep me off my feet. They don’t have to do anything special. Just be nice. Ya know?

March 4, 2012

I was 10 that night at church. It was Halloween and everyone was dressed up. My friend led me to a back room saying the kids were playing games back there. I trusted him. At that time I had no reason to. It was dark. I remember the dark.. and the cold that bit my skin sending goosebumps down my spine. He shut the door behind him. “Turn the light on” I said. I remember that. He didn’t though. I don’t remember if he said anything. I just remember the dark… and the goosebumps. I could hear the kids. Laughing, playing. “Where are they?” I asked. “In the other room. I need to tell you the rules for the game” He whispered. He touched my chest softly. I looked up at him, my eyes adjusted to the dark. He was dressed as a clown that night. A silly one. He put his hand under my shirt. I hadn’t worn a bra that night. I was a rock star and a training bra does not mix well with rock stars. His clown glove was rough. Like it had been used before. Like it wasn’t a part of his new costume. That’s when he touched me. I will never forget the thoughts rushing through my mind. “This isn’t a game” My mind screamed. I wanted to scream but his other hand had somehow covered my mouth when I was caught up in my own thoughts. He kissed me, his white face paint smeared on my cheek that night. Somehow I broke free from him. No matter how many nightmares I have, I cannot remember how I broke free. As I ran down the hall his words floated to my ears. “Tell anyone and I will never trust you again”.

The next week my friend, little sister, and I were playing monopoly. He came into the room and sat down. “Hi Amanda” In that horrible whisper that still wakes me up at night. “I used to touch my brother. It’s always a fun game to play” He turned to my sister and those words came out again.. ”Tell anyone and I will never trust you again”.

It took us 2 weeks. 2 weeks of nightmares and nightlights. I was the one that told. Told the 2nd story. No one has heard the first. Till now.

He was banned from church. His parents polluted my grandmas mind. “He would never say that Amanda. You need to stop your lies and tell the truth” She believed him… them. 

I never went back to that church….. and I’m still afraid of the dark and clowns.

It’s stupid. Maybe I overreacted. Maybe it never happened and my mind made it all up. Maybe I took his words the wrong way. I know it happened. I know it did. If you look close enough in an old photo of me, in my rockstar outfit, you can faintly see a smear of white paint on my left cheek. A constant reminder of Jason. I burned that picture last year. I thought if I destroyed the evidence then the nightmares would go away. 

I was wrong.